2023-07-27 — Farewell

I want to sign off… and I don’t at the same time. Signing off feels like giving up.

I don’t want to give up.

But I’m more broken than I ever thought I could get.

As you all can clearly see if you’ve followed my blog for any reasonable length of time, I’ve just gotten worse and worse over the last few years.

I used to think well of myself. I used to believe in myself. I used to be proud of who I was.

Now I’m ashamed of myself. I’m ashamed to be so weak. I thought I was better than that. I thought that my desires to help everyone else would trump my own pain, that my selflessness would beat my selfishness, and that despite losing what I wanted most for myself in life, the opportunity to spend my life helping other people would be enough.

Apparently, I was wrong.

Everywhere I look I just see more and more evidences piling up proving what a disappointment I am to myself.

I make space in my life to do the things I say I want to do, but I… the fire is gone. The passion is gone. The hope is gone, or at least not found in sufficient quantity to make a difference.

It’s like I waited too long. It’s like I expended everything I had down to the last ounce, and now it’s not just that I don’t have the energy to keep doing what I was doing: I don’t have the energy to do anything.

I’m spent.

And that just reinforces the shame and the disappointment that I am to myself.

Man, I wish there were some rescue–some hope to hang onto; but when I’m the problem, and I’ve got nothing left… there can be no rescue.

I’m the only one who can rescue me, and I’m not available anymore.

If i can find a path to real hope, I’ll probably write again. If not, thanks, for hanging with me as long as you did, especially these last two years that have been a downward spiral.

Until we meet again…

~ stephen