2023-11-12 — Into the Dark

Today has been a hard one.

It probably doesn’t help that I’ve been really tired–I imagine partly from not getting enough to eat for a while now, and probably also because I’m just not getting enough sleep.

The real issue, though, is that I dove into a bunch of stuff that’s… let’s just say not faith promoting about the church and its leaders.

Truth is paramount to me. I don’t care what it is: I just want to find it.

I’ve spent a large amount of time over several years digging into mountains of criticisms of the church. I’ve covered quite a bit of territory when it comes to the things that people have against the church–doctrinally, historically, legally, leadership issues, policies… all sorts of stuff.

But I got smacked sideways today in my studies this morning and got thrown for a huge, dark loop.

The problem is twofold: first, when I dig into that stuff, it’s like I immediately forget about all the amazing and beautiful spiritual experiences that I’ve had. I become Mr. Logic, all in my head as though I were an attorney, and I’m preparing a case or something.

That might not be a great analogy, but I start to just look at external information, and I think I even give more weight to what’s said by those who are critical.

The second issue, interwoven with the first, because they go in tandem, is the fear/doubt thing. I’m so quick to latch onto doubt and fear–so quick. My standard of knowing is perfect knowledge. I’ve rarely been comfortable saying “I know” in regards to religious things–because I don’t have a perfect knowledge, and that’s what “know” means to me.

I wouldn’t be surprised if I could see God one day and doubt the experience the next. “Did I just want to see God so badly that my brain created a vision? (just an example, as it’s not important to me to see God). Maybe it was a hallucination… or a daydream, or Scrooge’s “fragment of underdone potato,” or or or.

I’m sure I could find a way to doubt.

I think you can kind of prove God, but only to yourself, and even that’s… not something I believe that we have control over.

What I’m positive of is that I can’t prove God to anyone else.

God is a faith thing. The Church is a faith thing. When I’m in my believing times, I actually love the principal of faith and what it does for me. It’s amazing. It’s so powerful. The results of the exercise of it are so exciting. It’s in those times when I really feel like I get to know God.

When I’m in my struggling/doubting/fearing times, faith seems so… dangerous–and maybe naive and foolish, especially with all that can be hurled as “proof” of the falsity of the LDS Church and the general Judeo-Christian perspectives and histories as well.

Anyway, so in a flash, I went from super excited and filled with light and excitement to having this dark cloud over me and heavy weight upon me, with what I had just yesterday feeling like a distant dream.

Oh, I want the light back!

My capacity to doubt and fear does not play fair. It’s not a level playing field. My fear and doubt can raise an army of a thousand legions in a millisecond.

It’s hard enough to hold onto my personal sacred experiences and the overwhelming light and joy and peace that comes as i get to know God, it’s hard enough to hold on just with the regular challenges of life.

But then to go out and consume that stuff that I’m not ready for right now?

I’m weak. I’m just a little child in my understanding and in this great game of life, and the road can be excruciatingly painful.

For a while, I was super low, quietly struggling profoundly. At the moment, I’m much better. I’ve tried to turn to the Light, to the Peace.

I still have a ways to go, but I hope I can return to where I have been the last few days. It filled my soul to overflowing.

I know that choosing God is a choice. It’s a choice you make because you actually believe, or it’s a choice you choose because you want to believe (I’m sure there are other reasons to choose to believe as well). I’m always afraid to choose to believe out of anything other than actual, clear knowledge because I want to be certain that confirmation bias isn’t at play down the road, but the truth is, I may never be able to prove God to perfection. Sometimes I can barely prove a preponderance of evidence to myself. Sometimes I feel like there’s only a thread left.

But I know I can’t walk away, as I’ve mentioned just recently. Even were a mountain of evidence to press down on me “proving” God and/or the Church untrue, I don’t know that I could ever let go of the experiences I’ve had and walk away, not completely.

And so those doubt/fear attacks… they just create darkness and misery. They never succeed in actually making me truly disbelieve.

Phew!

That was heavy. 😅

Other than that… I did do my normal gospel study this morning. Took a nap because I was exhausted. Went to church, even though I was struggling with the doubts and fears of the morning. Came home and ate dinner. Went to our family meeting up the hill. And I’ve been writing this for the last, I don’t know how long. A lot longer than I expected.

It’s funny when I look at how much I’ve written compared to how long it’s taken, It seems like it should be so much more, especially since I Don’t often go back and read what I’ve written before I post. Much of the time, you’re just getting the stream of consciousness as it comes out of my mouth.

Sometimes I’ll go back after posting and make a few changes, but… Anyway, that’s not really important.

I’m past my bedtime. It’s 9:15ish, and I’m going to be working tomorrow for the first time in more than 2 months.

Hopefully my body and my psyche can handle it. 🤞

I’d really love to have a beautiful spiritual happy dream tonight. I had a pretty crappy dream last night, though I don’t even remember what it was. I just remember waking up feeling dirty. I knew the general topic, but no memories at all of what the dream itself was. It was just a yucky feeling.

Want to do a bit of gratitude before I sign off for the night even though it’s late.

• I’m grateful for the people who have shared their experiences of overcoming their doubts and fears, and the experiences that brought them back.
• I’m grateful for my own spiritual experiences that I can fall back on. When the darkness gets as thick as it was today, it can take one heck of a lot of light to penetrate back through it. I’m not all the way back through it right now, but I’m much closer, and I feel like I can see light through the darkness, as the moon behind a thin cloud.
• I’m grateful for my friend Cory for being there for me today in the middle of his own challenges. Thank you Cory!
• I’m grateful that Google finally recognizes how to spell Cory. I have to say it a little quicker, but if I say it quicker, it finally recognizes the correct spelling. 🙃
• I’m grateful for the opportunity to have these… What I’m now calling uncomfortable blessings. I’m grateful for the challenges to my faith. As I write this, I remember something that God told me years ago. He said that I would “have many opportunities simply to choose to believe.” Today is one of those opportunities. I choose to believe.

Thanks to all of you for your love and support as I go through this journey.

Love and hugs.

Lift the world.

~ stephen