2024-06-13 (Thursday) — Hard Memories

Been a hard day today.

I’ve got storage bins full of memory stuff that haven’t been gone through in many years.

I’ve added to the contents of the bins, but only by dumping new stuff in the bins, not by going through and organizing.

I’ve got stuff that’s nearly 15 years old in there that hasn’t been organized in any way–papers and letters and notes and… memories–all just tossed in because someday I’d actually take the time to organize it.

Today was that day.

I spent much of the day trying to thin out my memory possessions to make my journey to whatever comes next simpler–less stressful.

Own trying to own less… stuff.

I don’t own much in the way of personal possessions anyway, unless you count vehicles and equipment, so there’s not that much, comparatively, to go through, but when I’m trying to fit everything I own into one van, and have room to live in it, it’s… important to downsize as much as I can.

So many memories today.

Lots of pain.

So much pain. So much regret. People I’ve hurt. Pain I’ve caused. Wounds I wish I could heal. Sorrows. Loss. Loneliness.

It’s like there’s a part of me stuck in several chapters of my life… starting all the way back in Junior High–maybe even earlier. I look back, and I see people and places I left. I see relationships I harmed, people’s lives to which I brought more of pain than anything else.

I look back and see a dark stain from something that I did or how I was that tarnishes the pages of each chapter.

Not a very good metaphor, but so much regret.

Oh, how I wish I could go back.

I actually do want to go back. Live those times again. Be different. Make better choices, better memories memories. Make a more meaningful and lasting difference for good.

I know it’s not an accurate representation to present it as it’s coming out.

It’s just easy to see and feel the bad.

And when I’m lonely, with no real intimate relationships since I was in college… nearly 20 years in the past… There’s a part of me still living in the past, but with everyone else having moved on.

It’s like it’s all so close. It’s like I could reach out and grasp these times in space, grab the memory, and suddenly I’m back in 9th grade–the sights, the sounds, the people.

It’s like I’m something between a teenager and early 20-something. It’s like the last 20 years of my life were in emotional… stasis. I didn’t do much of anything but work and try to give my love to others.

Not many friendships.

No companions.

One day I’ll have a better way of describing this world that I live in inside my own head.

In the meantime, I’ll just… get back to the present day.

Memories…

Amidst all the papers, I found letters that I’d written way back at the end of 2014 and beginning of 2015. Letters I’d written but never sent–one even folded up in an envelope, addresses all written out… stamped.

I could still mail it: It’s a forever stamp 😅.

…but that person doesn’t live in Lebanon anymore.

Yearbooks, letters, pictures, journals, notes written about my life and what I was trying to do and things I thought God told me… So many papers gone through. So many more to go.

It’s been a very hard day.

I think if history were to judge me by what the people close to me had to say about me, people would think I was a pretty good person.

I know I have a good heart.

But when I look back, I’m ashamed of myself and what I’ve done and who I’ve been–shame and regret in every. single. chapter. of. my. life.

Chigger bites on the upper inside of my left arm.

Tick bites… all over my legs and ankles.

Itchy buggers.

I thinned out a lot of the “memory” stuff. I weeded out a half a bin’s worth of old stuff–random notes to documents from when I was a teacher at the University of Utah and the private school I taught at.

I kept the stuff that was more meaningful.

I burned the stuff that wasn’t.

I don’t need to keep my old curriculums, the old assignments and tests I created for my students.

And so many gospel notes… I’m never going to go back through those again. Gospel understanding has been progressive in my life. The old stuff isn’t so relevant, as new insights make older understandings obsolete.

It might be good as a reference for where I was, but I think there’s enough of a representation of that.

Most of what I’ve learned is all in my head anyway, as a worldview.

Anyway, lots burned. Some sorted. More to go. I’m trying to reduce what I think was four bins of memories down to three.

🤞

Fortunately, a lot of it wasn’t really “memory” stuff. I’m not really getting rid of anything that was meaningful.

I’m also going to try to reduce two bins of “important docs”  down to one.

🤞

I’ll do that tomorrow, I think.

Tough day.

Liz reached out today, sensing somehow that I wasn’t doing very well. That was nice.

Life is changing at a very rapid rate.

It’s about to change even more.

My body hurts.

My mind is cracked.

My heart is broken.

But I’m still twitching today.

So on we go.

Lift the world.

~ stephen