All right, it’s 10:30, and now it’s time for me to try and remember what happened today.
Let’s see… First thing this morning, I gathered up some trash from down by the greenhouse area to put in the dumpster because it was Friday in the trash truck was coming at some point.
I got up there and found that The boyfriend of Liz’s new tenant had put a dresser in the dumpster without breaking it down, so it was sticking up out of the dumpster.
I was still exhausted physically from yesterday’s heavy labor, but I was the person available to try and break down the dresser, so I grabbed a hammer and started beating on it. Took me awhile, and And I realized I had no energy as soon as I started trying to beat on it, so it took everything that I had to beat it apart.
That wasn’t good for me because I’m emotionally screwed up already, joe that was more than I could handle.
That’s where I’m at emotionally these days. I can’t handle stupid little things like that.
I’m so far over gone that stupid little things are like 2-year-old’s end of the world tantrum.
It’s pretty pathetic.
But that’s where I’m at. Ridiculous as it might be.
So I beat that apart. Was able to get the dresser broken down into pieces small enough that they would come out when the dumpster was dumped upside down instead of the whole thing just getting lodged in and staying there, which is what looked like was going to happen.
After that, I went and sat down at the deck just trying to compose myself. I’m just so done. So so so done.
My mom was over at Liz’s house helping her with something, and she stopped by the deck and we chatted briefly. I was in a really bad bad bad place.
Unfortunately, that’s really, now.
I’m finding out what I’m made of. So far it’s not what I had hoped.
Do I have the moral courage to live my life for other people like I said I always wanted to? Yes I want to do that, and that is true, but do I have the moral courage to do that when I myself don’t have hope for my own life, when I don’t see any purpose in my own existence, when I don’t see any happiness Or anything worth living for other than just trying to make the world a better place?
I’d like to say yes, but I’m so far gone at this point that misery and life are synonymous. Hope is basically non-existent without being completely non-existent.
We’re seeing what I’m made of.
And when helping and serving people no longer gives me the joy it once gave, do I have the moral courage to keep doing it because it’s Good and the right thing to do, or do I quit because it doesn’t give me what I want out of it? Or because pessimism and cynicism went out, and I no longer see that trying to help people make the difference?
There is a war going on in my brain right now. So many different armies battling it out. But the enemy isn’t well understood. Not this time.
There’s too much interference in the brain. Too much input all at once.
That’s the process. Just need to survive getting all of my stuff under control, sold, given away, whatever, and then I’ll get my little butt out of here and go on a long vacation and try and get my brain right, and then we shall see what happens.
Got all the church books given away today to a family that lives over in centerton. She said her husband comes back from Utah with like 40 books every time he goes. 🙃
Wish I could have gotten some money for them for my mama, but it is what it is. 😕
Was able to give away my set of vehicle seat covers to Andres. I’ve had those for years and never had a vehicle to put them on, so time for them to go. Grateful he wanted them, because it takes so much time to give stuff away. 🙃
I’m dictating this while driving, and my rear left tire is about to blow. 😅 It’s got the wobbles something fierce, so tomorrow is going to be a tire day, I think. Last tire I bought was at the Walmart supercenter in between St George and where my dad and stepmom live in Nevada.
Man I should have taken a bath yesterday. I think I got chiggered To high heaven. And I got some of the little baby ticks as well.
I’m extra itchy today, and it’s gotten worse as the day has gone on. 😅 I’m a little hesitant to go take a bath tonight, because I sort of scared myself thinking about the mountain lion. 😆
Not sure how excited I am to take another bath in the middle of the night, but I probably will again just because it feels nice to be clean and know that the bugs are washed off. 🙃
Was a hot day today. Grateful that it was cloudy. Not quite as hot as other parts of the country right now. My friends in Utah are dealing with temperatures closer to 110 anything else.
I think we were right around 90 today. It’s going to be like 95 or something tomorrow, I think.
As I was running errands on the hill, I noticed that there was a raccoon in trap. Normally, they kill whatever gets trapped, but It’s just so hard to see the Little critters get killed. I don’t have a second thought about the brown recluse spiders or ticks or red wasps, but other things, and especially critters like that… I just feel bad. I don’t want them to die. Joe I picked up the cage with it still inside, put it in the bed of my pickup truck, and was about to drive away when Landon walked up ready to euthanize the creature.
He very kindly let me take it and not have it killed, so I drove it all the way out to Garfield and let It Go on a road going out to the lake.
Had a lady message me on Facebook about fixing her car. I’m not an active mobile mechanic anymore, as you know, but I decided to help her anyway. At first I was just texting back and forth to give her a better idea of what was going on. She thought she had an issue with the exhaust manifold, but I told her that given what she was describing and giving the engine that she has in her car, it was more likely going to be an issue with the valve cover PVC system having gone haywire. Anyway, we chatted back and forth for a while, and I decided to go out and help her out for free.
It would have been nice to make some money, but it’s also nice to help just to help.
It did indeed turn out that there was an issue with the valve cover, as well as several other issues.
She owns a Chevrolet Cruze with the 1.4 motor in it, so she’s going to have about 700 billion problems to deal with, both existing and future.
As it stands right now, she had I think eight check engine codes, issues with the turbo, issues with the oil pressure sensor, melted wire, issues with the valve cover, etc.
Anyway, I did some cleaning up and organizing and straightening out of things today. I had to rush out this morning and throw my tools that were out in the rain in the back of my van. Didn’t have the gumption to get out last night after already having done my big tick check, so some of my battery operated tools got rained on, but I don’t think it was too bad, and I think they are okay.
🤞
Sorry, I’m a little all over the place.
After getting back from helping the lady out in gateway, A decided I wanted to get my mom some flowers, so I drove into Pea Ridge, found a great little bouquet that seemed far too cheap for the price listed on it, But happily and excitedly bought it because it was the nicest looking bouquet out of all of them, even the expensive ones, in my opinion, and it was only 10 bucks.
So I drove over and gave her the flowers, and dropped off a few things that were hers, and now I’m back at my little Greenhouse staging area about transfer the water And jump box for my truck into the van for the night, and then I’m going to take a quick dip in the creek.
Much of me everyday is operating simply off of willpower. I’m just trying to survive until the external pressures are significantly diminished and I can focus on the internal mess that is… me right now.
Oh, I also chopped down and chopped up a tree next to the greenhouse. There was a pair of trees together, And only one was set to be kept, so I chopped down the one that was less likely to be a good tree in the future.
Love and hugs.
~ stephen
Lift the World 
love and hugs
Thank you 🥰