2025-01-02 (Thursday) — New Year, Same Pathetic Me

It’s not even noon.

I’ve lost almost $20,000 trading since I started.

I just couldn’t stop myself today. Down nearly $16000 in just one day.

There was nothing good to trade today during trading time, but could I have any discipline to not trade?

Nope.

I knew I wasn’t doing what I should. I knew it.

And I traded anyway, trying to force it.

I just want to succeed at something I care about.

But I’m the very definition of failure: I fail at everything. I don’t have the strength to even try to do the things I wanted to do to help the world.

I’ll just fail. I won’t be able to handle the pressure to keep at it because I have nothing left in my tank. I’m empty. I’ve got nothing.

I’m pathetic. A waste of flesh. A worthless human who should just call it quits because I fail at everything. I see nothing but a living hell in my future, and I only cause pain to the people I care about because I’m so screwed up.

I never used to have self worth or self-esteem issues, but I pretty much feel worthless. I fail everywhere I put forth effort.

I don’t have the strength to try anymore. Real trying requires hope, which I don’t have any of anymore.

And the one thing that I could always count on succeeding at, working hard physically to help people… my body can’t do much of that anymore.

I feel like a joke. A waste of a human being.

Lift The world?

I’m a joke.

I’m pretty much a useless, worthless heap of trash.

Why the charade from god? Why tell me I’m someone I’m not? Why make promises to me that he knows I won’t ever get to have because I’m simply not good enough as a person? Why wouldn’t he just tell me from the beginning that I’m not good enough and never will be?

I tried so hard, over and over and over again, and I failed, and I never will succeed, and I have nothing left in the tank.

How do I get up after this when I don’t feel like there’s anything to get up for? All I see in my future is physical and emotional and mental pain.

More and more and more and more of it.