2025-01-06 (Monday) — Thoughts

I just don’t know what to think these days.

I’m still shell-shocked from having lost so much money in such a little time because I just couldn’t do what I knew I needed to do.

It hasn’t really sunk in. And I guess it doesn’t really sink in so much because it’s just numbers in an account. The actual ramifications aren’t something that I’m going to notice for a long time other than just the numbers.

Until I need the money, and it’s not there.

It’s not that hard to make money in the stock market. I just kept trying to force it, going against the rules I knew I needed to keep.

Why? Why be so stupid?

How? How could I be so stupid?

I’ve cleaned out my trading accounts, sent all the money that I had left back to my long-term savings account.

I’ve given up. Again.

It feels like such a wasted opportunity, knowing how to make the money, but knowing that I don’t have the discipline to do what needs to be done.

I feel ridiculous.

Beyond ridiculous. It’s just absolutely pathetic.

Pathetic that I can know what to do and what not to do, but I still don’t have the discipline to just do what I know needs to be done. 

I think about all the good that I could have done with that money. So many family members struggling financially right now. So much time and energy I could have spent devoted to serving other people and not having to make money for myself.

It’s a pretty massive chunk of money, especially now that I’m just working part-time here and there to pay the bills, Part-Time so that I can, hopefully, finally go out and make a difference. 

If I can find Hope again. 

All that lost money represents… a lot of time and effort. I can’t just go out and make $1,000 in a day again by scheduling a bunch of cars to fix and working really hard.

Even if I could, it would take me a good while to make back what I lost, especially when you account for taxes and all that.

And now? I wouldn’t be surprised if this is 6 months worth of loss at this point.

Wow.

I really am pathetic.

I feel pathetic because I have lost control over my emotions. I feel pathetic because I lack even a semblance of strength.

I used to feel like a shell of what I used to be.

I know I am now.

I have no drive, no passion, no strength, no hope.

I feel pathetic that I can’t find hope or strength. So maybe people’s lives are harder than mine–even significantly harder.

Mine should be easy, and yet here I am, this pathetic waste of humanity.

I don’t know what to think.

When I started getting back into trading, I had the thought, multiple times, I think, that I shouldn’t start trading again, like it was a distraction, not where I should be, but it was so appealing.

Tax-Free retirement income if I could get good at it.

Yet, I had the thought that if I traded I would “lose big.”

I did lose big.

And my heart wasn’t in the trading anyway because of those feelings that it wasn’t what I should be doing… like it was a distraction.

That’s probably why I couldn’t discipline myself this time. My heart just wasn’t in it. Even though that was the only thing that I could get myself to move forward on, the trading, I still couldn’t dive into it all the way.

I can’t dive into anything all the way anymore. Nothing in my life gets 100% of my effort anymore.

There’s no drive. No energy. No passion. No hope.

Those feelings that I get to not do things… they generally turn out to be right. But I so often ignore them because I didn’t feel like I know what to trust.

I used to trust God. And there’s so many times where it seems like he’s trying to tell me stuff, and I ignore it, and it turns out to be right.

I ignored it here. I didn’t know for sure, but it would have been my best guess had I forced myself to truly face it.

Paid a massive price for not facing it.

I’d like to say that I’ve learned my lesson, but I’ve had to face the same consequences over and over and over and over again.

I haven’t learned the lesson.

I still don’t trust God… and I don’t trust what I’m thinking or feeling.

And even when I have that intuition that tells me which directions not to go, even then, I get so angry and frustrated because it feels like the only messages I ever get from God are the no’s.

Don’t do this. Don’t do that.

The why is nothing that I want ever in the cards for me?

I followed that quiet little thought with the VW Beetle, even though it made zero sense.

It worked out fabulously.

I ignored it when I lent my life’s savings out years ago.

Paid an enormous price.

So many times where I feel like God has guided and directed me. But then why on the thing that was more important than anything in the whole world to me, why did it turn out the way that it did?

The only thing I can think of is because I’ve never been able to overcome my porn addiction, and I remember, many, many years ago, having this thought that if I didn’t stop, I wouldn’t be able to receive this particular blessing.

So maybe that was indeed a message from God, and it’s all just been true, and it’s just my fault.

And if it’s all just my fault. If I’m just receiving the reward of my actions , the consequences of never being able to finally kick the addiction, why would God promise things to me that he knows I’ll never get because I’m just not good enough to receive them?

Why the charade?

Maybe that’s just the whole point. Maybe it’s to show me that I’ll never be able to be the kind of person that I hoped I was.

I wanted to be that guy, but I guess I’m not that guy and never will be.

I don’t understand.

I’m tired. So so so tired.

…

In other news, as life goes on for me, one of those circumstances of people who have it harder than I do is happening in my own family.

My nephew-in-law has brain cancer, and barring a miracle, doesn’t have long.

Such an amazing man, too. So positive. So kind. An absolutely beautiful human being.

That’s the third family member with brain cancer in about the last decade.

Two of them died of super rare, or at least used to be super rare, glioblastomas.

This time it’s melanoma.

I do need to get myself checked. I think it’s probably been about a decade since I was last looked at, and there were a couple of moles that the doctor wanted to keep an eye on.

I think I have quite a few more now.

Hard getting up the desire to go to the doctor. Heck, I just got the bill for my physical therapy appointment. Any guesses?

Normal price, $400. After negotiated price, or whatever you call it, it’s like $220.

Good freaking gravy. It’s ludicrous. Absolutely ludicrous. It’s an absolute racket. An absolute racket.

I can’t wait for AI doctors. They’re, and they’re not so distant future, going to be so much more effective than these piece of crap morons who charge out the rear and are just about useless.

I hate the medical world.

Not that I have any strong feelings, mind you.

What else… Sold my electric guitar amplifier, sold my audio interface hardware, sold my microphone and a couple of cables, sold my insulated coveralls that a customer gave me last year.

Finally got some other stuff listed for sale as well. Might have a buyer for ET tomorrow. They want to turn the van into a chicken coop.

Kind of sad. 😕

Memories.

Stayed the night last night in the DMV/ thrift store parking lot, with the intention of making donations to the thrift store in the morning. Morning. I’ve had a bin full of stuff that I wanted to donate for a while now, and it was going to be a super cold, icy night, so I decided to just park in the parking lot overnight and wake up and donate the stuff.

Well, as fate would have it, I finally get up the strength to make the decision to go in and get this done, and what happens? The store is closed due to inclement weather.

Of course.

Have had a couple of tiny nibbles on my other excavator.

Crossing my fingers that the nibbles will turn into something real.

I want to get this show on the road.