I’m not in a good place.
I’m tired, frustrated, angry, discouraged… and I know I shouldn’t be, and I am anyway, and… I’m just…
Not in a good place.
I feel like I just keep making crap decision after crap decision, and I feel like no matter how hard I try, I just make things worse.
I’ve spent pretty much all day, 13 hours-ish? working on this septic system, and ignorance and stress and a lack of thinking things through consistently is just killing me.
I’m out of my element completely, in so many ways, and I’m just trying to get stuff done, and I just keep screwing up, and causing so. much. rework; and I’m adding stress for others, and I just want to pack it in.
If I try and help, I cause problems/complicate things. It feels like this whole septic project should have taken a few days–max–and what are we on, two and a half weeks, I think? It’s just so discouraging.
I feel like I’m wasting my time and other’s time and making everything worse.
😞
I could have just worked solidly for a week and paid professionals to come out here and do it.
And it’s still not done, and after all the efforts today, I feel like I tripled the amount of work I had this morning.
I’m just so… frustrated, angry, dejected, discouraged…
I just want to drive away and stop trying to help. Same thing happened as a mechanic, try and do something nice for the customer, go the extra mile, and invariably, the efforts would crash and burn and result in more problems that are now on me to resolve.
😞
It shouldn’t matter. I’m giving a worthy effort. It’s all fine. God’s fine with it. I’m just not.
😞
It’s discouraging also because helping people is the other of the two biggest mortal desires of my heart. I already don’t have the first. Why does the second one have to be so… challenging? All I want to do is to help.
I guess that’s part of my will I have left to lay on the altar. I can’t control the outcomes. I can try to do good, and I’m going to mess up sometimes. I have to be ok with the reality that my weakness, despite my good intentions, will cause problems sometimes even when I’d like to just be a help and not a barrier or a stumbling block.
[sigh]
😞
Struggling.
Hans made a really great burger for dinner. I didn’t stay to eat with him, taking it outside, as I was going to go for a walk.
I’m ready to just… get out of Dodge.
Chatted with Heather on the phone a bit, and she tried to console me.
It was helpful.
I’m still struggling a fair bit.
Gratitude:
Ugh… gratitude… ugh… Not so easy today.
- I’m grateful to see my faults and flaws because I can only do something about what I can see.
- I’m grateful to have gotten a lot of exercise. 😅 Not too many extra lbs on me now, if any. I might actually have gone back to being a little too skinny. 🙃 I still have a little bit around the belly, but I feel like I’m skinny fat now, like can happen to long-distance runners? I guess we’ll see.
- I’m grateful to Hans for making a tasty burger.
- I’m grateful that it’s windy. I like the wind.
- I’m grateful it wasn’t super hot today.
Success:
- 😕… I guess it’s a success that I’m actually writing in my journal on a rough day like this.
Improvement:
- Everything? 😞
Thought of the Day
(shared with me by my mother today)
“…I can get lost in the self-preoccupation and self-pity that can come with a little fright and anxiety.
I forget too easily what price you must pay for God’s precious gift of faith. I forget how many times God will ask us to practice our virtues, embrace our fears, and reiterate our covenants until they are truly established, strengthened, and settled in our souls forever (1 Peter 5:10).
What we all sadly forget in the heat of battle is that after these tests and tribulations…then come the blessings that are too glorious for mere words. I stand as a witness that my most precious blessings, miracles, and the realization of God’s covenantal promises have come after my fears have been aroused, my faith has been tried, and my heart truly broken in humility and supplication.
Paul, knowing these fears and frustrations, these fluctuating feelings, pleads with us to “cast not away therefore your confidence, which hath great recompense of reward. For ye have need of patience, that, after ye have done the will of God, ye might receive the promise” (Hebrews 10:35–36).
~ Patricia T Holland
Hand of God In My Life Today:
Ugh… another hard one. I’m full of myself right now, full of self pity and self thinking and discouragement… I don’t want to be thinking about God right now even though I know it’ll soothe my soul. I just… want something to go the way I want it to go.
It’s easy to let these kinds of feelings snowball.
I continue to be amazed at the depth of my sobriety. Days like today are historically dangerous for my sobriety, though, so… I want to make sure I’m on the lookout.
Good night, folks.
Lift the world.
Bring it on.
~ stephen
Lift the World 