Much better today. 😊
I’m grateful for the gospel and for forgiveness and for love.
I’m grateful that every day can be a new beginning.
I’m grateful that every moment can be a new beginning.
I’m grateful to have a sister nearby who’s encouraging and cheerleading and lifting me when I struggle.
…
I slept in again today, I think getting up for good finally around 8ish?
(I guess somehow I’ve managed to stop waking up with the Sun at 4:45 a.m. 🙃. Although I chuckle a little bit at the irony that when I didn’t want to wake up that early, I woke up that early pretty much every day, and now that I’m actually trying to get up that early, I can’t seem to get myself to. 😆)
Anyway, still feeling a bit low from everything, and not having gotten clean after that very long day of work yesterday, I headed out shortly after getting up and at first drove down to Cascade Falls, but there was another car there, and I didn’t really feel like I wanted to try and be discreet in taking my bath today, despite the fact that I have Earth friendly soap. So I drove back up the road to the little park where the water actually bubbles right out of the ground, and took my bath there and spent some time in solitude.
There’s a piece of land for sale on the road that goes to the springs. More than I want to spend, but at least enough to have me give a second look. 🙃 I think it’s like $180,000 for 7 acres… something like that.
Super expensive from my perspective, although probably super cheap for other people.
I tend to want to look at places that are 50 to 100 plus acres for not too much more than that.
There’s an absolutely gorgeous place in Eastern Washington and another in North Central Idaho that are more what I long for… but both are far away from family. 😞 With no family of my own, I don’t want to be far away from the family I do have.
I mean, I’m going to be no matter what, because we’re all so spread out, but… I’d like to be close to some of my family all the time.
I still don’t know where I’m going to end up.
Officially, right now, I’m a South Dakotan, but who knows.
I’m a little spoiled with the warm Springs here. 🙃 Most of the places that I look are going to be mountain snow runoff, and that’s where my heart is vista wise– mountains and hills and craggy peaks and snow and waterfalls and whatnot, but I must admit that having a year-round 66° spring bubbling out of the ground… that’s quite attractive. 🙃
Anyway, so I spent some time enjoying the spring and the cool water. And I got myself nice and clean, trimmed the beard, etc.
I don’t know if I’m self-conscious or just disappointed in myself for my poor choices in spending so many years outdoors without sun protection, which left me significantly prematurely aged compared to what I would have naturally been had I not made those choices.
But that’s okay. It’s only a minor concern, gratefully. I just think about it regularly (and feel like I bring it up regularly now) because life is so different than it used to be, and the… ‘shock’ is too strong of a word, but a better word isn’t coming to mind… of realizing what I’ve done after so many years of not paying attention and not even really looking in the mirror much because I was just always so on the go has yet to wear off.
Anyway, I’m grateful to my sister Heather for doing laundry for me at the laundromat last night, until the wee hours of the morning.
I’m also grateful that I had additional church clothes with me that were clean that made it so I was basically ready to go even without getting the clean clothes my sister had washed for me. I had a pair of new dress pants that I ordered arrive yesterday, bought specially because they were stretch pants and much less likely to give me pain and discomfort issues because of the significantly reduced pressure against my spine due to the super flexible nature of the fabric.
Maybe they’re made of the same stuff as yoga pants? Just not… form fitting. Whatever the material, they were perfect. 🙏 And I don’t know how, but the first white shirt that I grabbed in a pile of white shirts had so few wrinkles in it, somehow, that I was able to just throw it on and slap on the tie and belt and shoes and socks and be ready to go.
Small miracles. 😊
It was good to be at Church today. Fast Sunday today, so… shared testimonies. I loved how, even though we’re just a little tiny branch, there are no lulls between testimonies. Not that there’s anything wrong with lulls, I just am still the kind of person to get a little uncomfortable when no one gets up–something I hope to grow out of.
I didn’t get up myself, partly because of nerves and partly because I want to be sure that I’m not getting up to share out of a desire, even in the smallest bit, for self-aggrandizement.
With the pride that remains in my heart, I’m prone to desire recognition and the praise of men, so to speak–the desire to be looked up to, put on a pedestal. So sometimes I think maybe it’s just better that I remain quiet unless asked to share, or unless I can be absolutely sure that my motives are selfless and not selfish.
Though I didn’t get up today, I did get a call tonight from one of the members of the branch presidency asking if I would speak in church next Sunday, so… I get to spend this coming week fighting off the temptations that will surely be continual from the opportunity to be in front of people, to have the pulpit and be the center of attention.
🙃
May I choose love over pride.
I’m reminded of the admonition given to Joseph Smith before he was allowed to receive the plates, that he was to:
“have no other object in view…but to glorify God, and must not be influenced by any other motive than that of building his kingdom.”
I fight strong temptations to seek after my own glory.
I long for a heart of love and only love, and I know there’s a lot of love in me; but I also know that the love in my heart must nearly constantly do battle with the pride that’s also in my heart.
…
After church, I grabbed my clothes from the trailer and headed back to spend some time soaking in the springs, chatting with the Big Guy, pondering, and listening to a sermon from President Nelson, where He hopes that we all can “discover the joy of daily repentance.”
I loved that sentence because it hearkens back to that sentiment I’ve had recently of the joy that’s possible (and that I’ve actually experienced once so far) in seeing my weakness and struggles and recognizing that, as wonderful as things are now, they can be that much more beautiful in the future as my heart grows closer and closer to perfect love.
There’s so much more I want to write, but I think I’ll save that for more dedicated gospel-centered posts.
…
I didn’t have a lot of time at the Springs this last time around either, as I needed to be back about 2:00 to go out with Hans to administer the sacrament to a couple of veterans in the local VA hospital who aren’t able to make it out to church.
It’s a good experience to be able to be there. It’s humbling. It’s good to be able to serve others and be a bright spot in their days.
After getting back from that, I ended up taking a bit of a nap in my van exhausted still from the long day yesterday.
It was warm, so I was a tad sweaty, and I didn’t even think to turn on my fan, which, gratefully, now blows on me as the clock approaches 11:30 p.m.
Funny, I started this journal entry about 2 hours ago with so much promise that I might make it to bed at a decent hour, and now here I am. 😆
It’s funny, though, I’ve been trying to make and keep the schedule, and I’m watching myself slide a little bit. There are so many things that I want to incorporate into my daily pondering and study, so I’ve written them down as things on the list to keep in mind and to try and do everyday, but the list itself I think is dragging me down a little?
I’m hungry for the things of God and the gospel and of eternity, I’m hungry to become love. And making and keeping a schedule, has historically been wonderful for my productivity and ability to accomplish what I want to accomplish, but I notice that I’m feeling less joyful as I think about all the things that I’m trying to accomplish and not getting done?
I don’t know if that’s just the nature of the struggle or if it would be better for me to back off those things for a time. Maybe I’m trying to run faster than I’ve got strength?
I don’t know. There’s so much that I want to do. So much that I’ve learned that I want to incorporate, and I’ve learned in the past that making time to work on those things is one of the most effective ways of learning and growing, but then it seems to fill up the day, and ever more of the things I want to accomplish in a day seem to go undone because so many more have been added to the list of things I want to work on and do.
I think maybe I need to spend some time pondering about which ones are the most important and maybe not try to do them all at once?
🙃
Ate a little bit of pre dinner dinner, as I’ve not been well fed or hydrated for a couple of days, then ate dinner with Heather and Hans, reprise of the wonderful burgers that Hans made last night.
I think I’m getting closer to going back to my vegan living, though. I’ve walked away from it for a little while because of the stresses involved, because I didn’t have the emotional resilience to handle the challenge of what it takes to be vegan, the extra planning, the extra effort… But even though it’s a personal moral standard that I haven’t been living up to, it is still a standard I want to live up to.
Though I do not look lovingly upon all creatures (the insects that irritate and bite, for example), it hurts my heart a bit to think of animals being killed and/or living out their lives without being able to have their own joys of fulfilling the measures of their creation because I want to enjoy the food products that come from them when I personally have no need of those products to sustain my own life (and I do not pass that as a judgment upon others, for I know that sometimes it is necessary to survival to kill and eat another creature. I just… don’t want to if I don’t have to, and I’m reminded of the verse in the Doctrine and Covenants that teaches that there will be an accounting of how we treated God’s creatures, if we killed when there was no need to kill.
I love this gospel of love. 🥰
Anyway, 🐿️.
During and after dinner, we all had a great little gospel conversation. We talked about all sorts of things, one of which was prayer, and it was fun to hear my sister mention two different somethings about prayer that have also been in my thoughts. 🥰
I’m grateful for those uplifting conversations. 😊
…
On another note… I’ve been a lot more… lonely lately, longing for a companion, a companion to be one with, to share the journey of life with, a companion to walk with as I try to fulfill the mission I accepted before I came to this earth…
So many things I took for granted in years past…
Gosh… it’s almost midnight. 😅 Guess I had better wrap it up. 🙃
Gratitude:
- I’m grateful to be in a much better place right now. I mentioned loneliness, but I’m in a good place. I was in a bad place yesterday, and I was still a bit bad-place hungover this morning, but I’m good now.
- I’m grateful that it’s been cooler lately. We’ve got some hot days coming up again, but I’m grateful for days in the low 80s instead of the ’90s.
- I’m grateful for evaporative cooling.
- I’m grateful that my Starlink cell signal can actually reach from the little parking area to the far spring that bubbles out of the ground. I was able to sit there in the water looking at the little minnows swimming around me listening to President Nelson.
- I’m really grateful for President Nelson. It’s funny how much my perspective has shifted just in the last few months. The more I listen to him, the things he’s said, the more I am grateful for who he is and the direction he’s leading the church and those interested in following his counsel.
- I’m grateful for the gift of sobriety from… I think all of my addictions right now. The freedom and peace it’s given me is precious to me.
Success:
- I have given my imperfect, but sincere and worthy effort today.
- When I could have gone on in my own things after church today, I remembered that I hadn’t chatted with the Big Guy, and that I want to make that a priority, even when listening to a prophet was the intended action, my relationship with my Father in Heaven comes before even that.
Improvement:
- I want to figure out how to implement the efforts of creating what I want spiritually in preparation for the experiences through which I hope to create those same things in action. I’m struggling with this… both making the time as well as how to use that dedicated time.
Thought of the Day:
Therefore, dearly beloved brethren, let us cheerfully do all things that lie in our power; and then may we stand still, with the utmost assurance, to see the salvation of God, and for his arm to be revealed.
~ D&C 123:17
Hand of God In My Life Today:
As I conversed with my sister today, I felt like after one of the things I said, that God gently corrected me.
Love and hugs! 😊
Lift the world.
Bring it on.
~ stephen
Lift the World 