2026-04-08 (Wednesday) — The Return of Overwhelm

There isn’t much to write about today.

For some reason, I was again having trouble sleeping, so after a rough night and after reading more about Kerosene Creek (I don’t remember why), I realized that last time I was here I hadn’t really given the place a fair shake. Specifically, I didn’t know that the path went further down the creek, so I never realized there was a pretty cool little hot pool at the base of a mini waterfall.), so I ventured out of my van rather early this morning and wandered down to Kerosene Creek.

Because of all the rain, the water wasn’t hot, barely even warm actually, but I would guess that it’s a fair bit hotter on dry days.

I played in the water only a little bit, gathering up and packing out some trash, returning to take pictures, and packing out additional trash that I found.

I guess despite the overwhelming failure I’ve made of my time in New Zealand, at least it’s a cleaner country for my having been here. 😅

I figured Hot ‘N Cold, despite the rain, would still be hot enough to enjoy as a hot springs, and since it’s only just a little ways down the road, I decided to head back, arriving  just before 8:00 a.m.

I spent a couple of hours there, mostly alone, meditating, enjoying the solitary soak. A kiwi couple joined me for a while, and I chatted with the man for a bit.

I also spent a little time in hot springs maintenance and improvements, gathering up trash and sending bottom rocks in the sitting areas to the edges to make walking around kinder on the feet.

I realized as I was on my way to the Hot ‘N Cold that my low fuel light was on, so after finally deciding to leave, I headed back North to get gas before heading south, not confident I had enough fuel to make it all the way back to Taupo.

Apparently, I left a whole bunch of things on and charging for too long at the gas station, as when I tried to start my car after filling up and after availing myself of the trash can to get rid of a fair bit of trash that I’ve been carrying with me since changing my oil, I ended up having to give myself a jump start. 🙃

Unfortunately, despite trying to carry the battery mostly with my legs, by resting it on my knee, just the weight of the battery messed my back up pretty good.

I’ve been having lots and lots of problems with my spine… getting worse.

I’m discouraged and… scared… in that regard. If there is life after this one, I hope for some physical relief. It’s getting pretty rough.

I was grateful to have that extra battery, though, so I didn’t have to ask for help with a jumpstart, though that would have saved my back. 😅

It rained pretty much all day, with few breaks, sometimes light, misty rain, sometimes drizzle, sometimes heavy and hard…

After getting gas, I drove all the way back to Hipapatua Reserve for a brief bit before heading over to an overlook (seeking better reception).

The overlook had some recycling trash receptacles, so I was able to clear out all my trash today. 🙏

I got a notice for my car insurance that my little Z3 that my mom sometimes drives was up for renewal, so I reached out to her to verify that she still wanted to pay the extra insurance to be able to drive the little car. With life going the way that it is in her world, she felt like it didn’t make a lot of sense to continue. The insurance is fairly expensive, and things are a bit crazy for her right now.

So… I guess that’s one more thing I’ll be putting up for sale when I get to Arkansas. If I had a garage somewhere, then I’d probably keep it, at least for a little while, but I don’t think I can fit Happy inside Rover. 🙃

Thinking about going home, getting the Golden Kiwi fixed and sold here, the significant increase in spine symptoms lately, starting to think about everything that I’ve got to get done back home… my stress level is pretty substantially elevated at this point.

The return of fear and resultant overwhelm. 😞

And I continued to live with only a shred of resilience. So I’m basically useless.

Mostly, I’m just tired. Tired of pain, both physical and emotional. Tired of life.

If there’s nothing after this life, then death won’t bring relief. I won’t exist for relief to be felt.

If there is something after this life… hopefully there’s some relief. But just like New Zealand, everywhere I go, there I’ll be, so how much of a relief would it really be?

I guess it would depend on the nature of whatever it was that came next…

Gratefully, I was tired enough, and it was rainy enough that I could nap in relative comfort (temperature wise, that is ) there at the overlook, and I did. I might have even gotten a few hours of sleep. 🙏

Sorely needed.

After getting up, during a break in the rain, I snapped a picture from the overlook down across civilization and the lake below.

I also noticed that the signs at the overlook deck had been defaced.

So I remedied that.

Somewhere around 5:30, I headed back to my riverside perch at Hipapatua Reserve, hanging out for a bit and chatting with a young couple from England.

I’ve been more lonely lately… or maybe… I don’t know. For whatever unknown reason, I feel maybe a little more connected to something lost?

Anyway… I’m not well.

Night is so early now. I don’t like that. I’m not well enough to make use of my time. I’m just still… running. I still haven’t even put an ad up for the van I need to sell before I leave… in 11 days. 😶

The market is terrible right now. I knew that would happen, but wow. Prices are in the toilet, even vans far better than mine are significantly less than what I paid.

If I start thinking… 😕

😞

I’m not ready for this… for going home.

I’m… weak, flirting with hopeless. I’m a shell of who I used to be, and I don’t seem to have what it takes to be who I used to be, who I want to be. Hopelessness and fear have revealed who I am and robbed me of who I am.

😞