(written on the 27th and 2nd from notes taken previously)
I’m grateful that I was lighter this morning than I was last night. I don’t know how common it is for others (hopefully not common), but the role-playing in my mind (and often verbally when I’m alone) that I engage in is something that I would like to banish from my being.
Sure, it feels “good” to give some supposedly-deserving soul what for in my mind, but it doesn’t bring… light–at all. It’s a bringer of darkness.
Gratefully, this morning, both the role playing and the lingering remnants of darkness that had tried to persist after going to the temple were gone, and I was lighter, even happy this morning.
🙏
Unfortunately, finding myself focused a lot on yesterday’s reconnection with someone I haven’t connected with since way back in 2018, I think, I allowed myself to use my phone while driving–mostly re-reading the long message I spent hours writing last night. 😅
No bueno.
That’s how slides happen… that’s one of the ways the vicious cycle continues. 😬
I begin to choose things that are contrary to who and what I want to be (in this case a citizen who honors and obeys the law). Sometimes I choose them out of convenience (I want to read this now—without having to pull over and delay my trip) and I sometimes choose them as a means of temporary escape from struggle, pain, and discomfort, etc.
Historically, after a spiritual rebirth (of which I have had many in my life), there’s sort of a honeymoon phase of light, where my gratitude is high, my choosing of thoughts and actions that invite light is continual, bordering on continuous, and my avoidance of thoughts and actions that bring darkness is consistent.
But often, as I continue to look around at all that… remains the same in my life, at all there is still to do, at all the heavy challenges on my plate that linger, even grow heavier, I start to focus on them. That shift in focus leads me to get overwhelmed and/or afraid, and like Peter walking toward the Savior (on water), I see “the wind boisterous.” I begin to fear; and I begin to sink.
Eventually, generally, that state of overwhelm and/or fear, that shifts my focus away from things of light toward those things that bring darkness leads me down the path of simply trying to run away from discomfort and pain, and I end up slipping back into the darkness. Why? Because I knowingly choose to seek escapes (which simply delay the inevitable), and not just that, I knowingly choose escapes that are not in harmony with what I want most.
I knowingly choose escapes that are contrary to my deepest desires and values, because they’re easy and seemingly dull the pain of fear and struggle; but underneath it all, insidiously, they actually compound it: Not only does life remain the same, but progress on working through challenges has been delayed, and now I’ve responded in a manner incongruent with my soul’s deepest desires, and in a way that will be easier to choose next time, because I’ve already given into it once, so now I’ve made it even harder on myself to choose light next time–next times that surely will come again.
I’m really hoping to reset sooner and short circuit the cycle this time. 🙏
Anyway, as I got closer to home, I stopped off at JH Keith Park planning to spend a fair bit of time working on my (recurring 😅) journal-entry catch up efforts, but I got a little distracted.
There was a woman there in town from North Dakota to work up near Custer for the summer who had found the shaded soaking spot that I’ve spent so much time building, and we chatted for a bit.
She was mostly looking for a place to be alone, so I didn’t chat long, but I got distracted enough that after taking a dip in the other soaking area, in preparation for a long, hot day outside back at the ranch, I didn’t get any journaling done. 😅
Back at the ranch, I got the big blue barrels out of my van (nice to have space again 🙃), said hello to Zorra, gave her some love, let the horses out to munch, one at a time, and set myself to work cleaning out the van a bit more.
With my purchases of the barrels, several pairs of shoes, food, etc, my van has been a lot more full than I would like it to be, with very little movement available because of the space constraints caused by all the new objects stuffed inside.
Unfortunately, I didn’t get rid of anything while in Utah–not even the stuff I was supposed to give away to the DI, so with all the pairs of new shoes that I bought, Rover’s even more full than when I left. 😆
Oh well.
I was happy to see little baby bunnies underneath the wheelbarrow that’s sitting on top of the sand pile. 🥰 I spied one of their little faces sticking out from underneath, and then later on, when crouching down (from hopefully a relatively safe distance), I saw two little faces in there squished together. 😊
I mucked and dragged and worked on cleaning out and organizing my van some more. I chatted with Hans a bit after he got home, and he grabbed his air compressor for me to fill up my tire, since I hadn’t done so since replacing the valve stem a couple of days ago.
With all the rain that has recently come (much needed because of the severe drought we’ve been in), the dry well had turned more into a mud pit, and hoping to complete the project sooner rather than later, we spent a fair bit of time getting the mud out of the pit, despite the fact that that would make the pit deeper than we had intended it to be.
With my spine issues the way that they are, I manned backhoe attachment on the tractor, lowering the digging bucket into the hole while Hans used his hands to scoop up the mud (which was more effective then using a shovel 🙃). I then raised the bucket out of the pit and dumped the mud on the top of the dirt pile.
We repeated the process again and again and again until pretty much all the mud was out of the pit.
Not a little effort.
Eventually, Heather got home, we ate dinner, had a lovely discussion about light, and I called it a night.
Oh! I forgot to mention that on the drive home I noticed that there were yellow flowers absolutely everywhere along Indian Canyon Road.
Apparently, they are these guys!
Lift the world.
Bring it on.
~ stephen
Lift the World 