(written on the 13th from notes taken previously)
Today was a pretty awful day. 😞
Instead of going to bed last night, I wasted time on YouTube until probably 3:30 in the morning when I shifted from simply wasting time to sliding into that stinkin’ thinkin’ where you just can’t see the consequences of your actions far enough to recognize what reality is.
So there I was again, tossing aside my little miracle from the other night as if it were nothing, and diving right back into back scrolling through images that would normally be innocuous, but knowing that the search criteria chosen could easily allow for much less innocuous images to mix in.
I don’t remember exactly what happened, if I actually saw something in that stage of insanity, or if I just gave in to the curiosity of the YouTube ads that at a certain time of night shift to being quite… provocative.
I guess that’s one of the downsides of no longer paying for YouTube to be ad free. If I’m not strong enough to rain in my usage, then I’m going to get bombarded with sultry, titillating advertisements.
😕
So I didn’t go to sleep. At all.
Which I think likely led to the rest of the day crashing and burning as well. Having not slept a wink, I made the wonderful decision to start day trading again today, and made some stupid mistakes, I accidentally clicking by when I was trying to sell, or vice versa, which lost me a fair bit of money, and instead of calling it, I revenge traded my way into losing a lot again. Nowhere near what I lost last time in New Zealand, but exactly the same emotional response and exactly the same choices.
😞
I keep going back to trading, because logically it all works out. I should be able to do this, And as I watch my bank account go down, down, and down, because I’m not working. I’m either helping family or trying to write a book, neither of which produce an income, my account balance just goes down.
And that’s… not fun.
Working for JustAnswer is more frustrating than otherwise, because I waste so much time now waiting for questions that I’m even allowed to answer let alone good questions.
At this point, with all of my trading failures, unable to even change my strategy properly, I don’t know whether to laugh or cry or what. It seems as though it’s both comical and tragic.
As are my sobriety struggles, which included another relapse during the day today. 😕
At least I had the strength to walk away again, before losing the monumental sums that I lost while in New Zealand. Don’t get me wrong, I lost a lot, but only a very small fraction of what I lost then.
So naturally, the next logical step was to eat ice cream and vege. 😅
I finally got myself moving and being productive, getting clean dirt from one of the dirt piles and spreading it out and packing it down in the area where I had scraped off the oily dirt.
Gratefully, it turned out well. 🙏
I also mucked and dragged and I did some weeding before driving over to JH Keith Park to be alone, not really wanting to be around people.
I spent some time organizing my van, rinsed off, and then climbed in my van to take a badly needed nap.
I woke up not too long after sunset, I don’t think, drove back to the ranch, hung out with Heather a little bit, veged out a little bit, ordered some stuff from Amazon to help get my van shape for the coming fall road trip, and called it a night.
For real this time.
Rough day. 😞
Lift the world.
Bring it on.
~ stephen
Lift the World 