2020-08-08 — Wishing for a Better Me

It’s been a rough day.

It’s 2:20 a.m., and I’m driving back from Fayetteville after having finished with the last car of the day.

As you can imagine, I’m pretty tired. I’ve been up since early this morning just doing normal business stuff, it’s been, what, I think a 18-hour day today.

Mostly, the jobs went decently well. Just this last one that I didn’t even get started until 9:30 or so I’m finished about 2 this morning, and the two mechanics who diagnose the issue got it wrong Jared it was not an injector that was bad, so when I finished doing the entire job oh, it still didn’t work. So, I decided not to charge the money labor, just parts. Rough way to spend the end of the day, working four and a half hours, and driving almost two more for that one job.

I never should have taken the job. It totally kicked my butt upwards, downwards, and all over.

But you know, that’s really not that big of a deal right now to me. Honestly, I really don’t even care. It is what it is. I got something a lot more important to me waiting on my mind, and, honestly, I feel like trash as a person.

There are parts of me that I absolutely hate, and some of them came out today–selfishness and superficiality were the main ones today. It was really really *really* ugly inside my own head, and unfortunately, it doesn’t just affect me.

So right now, yes my body is probably pretty screwed up from sweating who knows how much water, and not getting enough in return., and I haven’t really eaten much of anything today, with everything that’s been going on… But, nothing is important to me right now like that stupid crap it’s inside my head.

I don’t really know what else to say. I don’t know how to fix it. I’ve tried for years and years and years. I honestly don’t even know if I’ve even made progress one of those particular areas. I hate that my failings cause hurt other people.

Anyway, it is what it is. I’ll keep trying.

#1. I am grateful that Jimmy had a good day working today, enjoying himself and learning a little bit.

#2. I am grateful to be able to make enough money that I can also help other people provide for their families.

#3. I’m grateful that my mom’s Durango just keeps going and going and going. I still haven’t found a suitable to work vehicle, and with everything that’s been going on, I just have not remembered to look.

#4. I am grateful for voice to text. I’m sure there are going to be a lot of mistakes in this, and I’m not going to bother going back through and reading it, so please forgive the mistakes.

#5. I’m grateful for gas stations that are open in the middle of the night so that I can get gas and be ready for Sunday.

To do/be better…

#1. I lost my patience multiple times today in multiple situations with cars. I’d like to be better than I was today.

#2. I wish I had a better heart.

I’m gonna just end here. I’m feeling pretty low. I’m still not home. It’s 2:39, and I’m just tired and ready be done today.

Good night.

Lift the World.

~ stephen