The ex porn star interview videos had been so helpful that I wanted to keep refreshing my mind every day to keep the compassion and love for my fellow beings alive enough for it not to get swallowed up by the addiction when it came swinging again.
With that in mind, I started watching more interviews today. It’d been a rough night, maybe 3 1/2 hours of sleep after a very long day yesterday and waking up at 4 something with some heavy work-related concerns. But morning came, and I was super excited and just… gleeful at the snow storm that rolled in, finally dumping enough snow to cover the grass and even snap trees in half.
was also doing some research preparing myself better for the veggie lifestyle I’m embarking upon. All in all it was shaping up to be an absolutely wonderful day when I decided to watch some of those interview videos.
But… things went south.
Foolishly, I didn’t think too much about the fact that YouTube might have actual real porn, so when I opened up an interview, and it was nudity, I was triggered, and at first I “ran” from it, not then… I could try blaming the stress or the short night or something else, but the reality is simply that I relapsed, and I’m embarrassed and discouraged.
Nearly every year I come to this point of the year with the same goal–never again, age ____ will be the last time I used, and I’ll never use again.
But then I relapse, and I say the year ________ will be the last time I relapse, and I’ll never use again, and then I relapse again.
Here we are again.
And when I relapse, I end up sort of binging… generally multiple returns to it that day, sort of a “I already screwed up, so why not make the most of it” kind of attitude, I think. An attitude that itself is disturbing to me. Today… four returns, made all the worse because I’m more educated, and part of me has to push through the compassion to use, and part of me is numb, on automatic, not really feeling anything but the drive to use.
I hate this. I want to be free.
It’s 8:40. I’m heading to bed. I really don’t want to do my journal. I really didn’t want to write anything or own up to the relapse, but what courage is there in hiding, pretending… avoiding?
Really don’t want to do gratitude. I had suck a good day started. Good focus. Good efforts to make improvements in my life. So happy with the gorgeous snow storm until to dive into porn and miss the beauty of the day, my face glued to a screen instead of the winter wonderland around.
But, we’ll do gratitude. It just might be a little rough going…
#1. I’m grateful we finally got a beautiful snow storm. First one since I’ve loved here.
#2. I’m grateful the storm came on a Sunday.
#3. I’m grateful to be in bed on time.
#4. I’m grateful for… I’m having trouble here… 😕. I’m grateful for family and friends who stick by me and encourage the these difficult struggles of mine.
#5. I’m grateful to have made even a tiny bit of progress on an important post I’m writing. I just started it and only got a paragraph, but it was a start.
Thought of the Day: Next to trying and winning, the best thing is trying and failing. – L.M. Montgomery
Lift the World.
~ stephen
Lift the World 
Kudos for writing, although you didn’t want to. Kudos for reaching for gratitude. Hang in there, Stephen.
Beautiful photo, Stephen! So beautiful!
And what a wonderful quote! Yay, L.M. Montomery!
Feeling foolish and discouraged… I’m so sorry, Stephen…
One thought that comes to mind is what Papa John said that a weakness by definition is something we always lose to. So if we spend time fighting it, we will spend time failing. But there are only so many moments in a day. And if we spend all our moments building our strengths, we will have fewer and fewer moments to devote to our weaknesses and they will shrink and shrink. I don’t know if that’s any help or not. Actually, ha ha, I think you’re already there. Most moments of every day, 7 days a week, you are building on your strengths and creating more strengths. This demon seems to only grab you unawares when you are massively fatigued. So – kudos, brother! -Though I know that might not lessen the burden of discouragement.
Another thought is – can you enable Mom or somebody to put protections on your computer to keep that sort of stuff from every breaking through to you? And is there a way I could do it to your phone account? Or can you find a way for your first employee to take over your job duties that require internet? Or just chalk it up to massive fatigue and plan ahead on lost-sleep days that your computer and phone should be in someone else’s control till you’ve gotten your sleep back? Are there any other potentially workable tech solutions? This article lists a couple tech control options. It’s from 2016, and only one article, but it might help…
https://www.huffpost.com/entry/4-ways-to-break-a-porn-addiction_b_5862aa8fe4b068764965be81
This is maybe my best thought – Now that youtube has proven perfidious as a source of support – what about looking up organizations that fight human trafficking (a large portion of which is for the sex trade as far as I know) and find ways you can volunteer with or support those organizations? Maybe actually combating such a horrific industry might help minimize or banish the drive? There was a brother in one of the singles wards I was in who served his mission in Thailand. He would spend part of every summer going back to Thailand, helping organizations who helped people who escaped from being sex-trafficked and were trying to start a new life. Unfortunately, I think this kind of slave-trafficking is thriving in the United States as well, so you don’t need to go all the way to Thailand…
Final thought… And I know you know all this – but there can be blessings from reviewing. 🙂
Maybe this is something that will be with you until the end of mortality. Thinking of Paul who “besought the Lord thrice to remove the thorn in my side” – or something to that effect – and He didn’t remove it. Paul was stuck with it. And I think that’s the same chapter that ends up saying that the Lord’s strength is made perfect in weakness. Which I take to mean that – number one, He has plenty of strength to make up for whatever strength anyone might lack. And, number two, His strength is put to its perfect use when He gets to exercise His love and goodness to make anyone whole, weakness and all.
And the same principle from a slightly different angle: “I give unto men weakness that they may be humble…” “*I give!* In other words – anyone’s weakness – including your addiction – may simply be one of the “essential school supplies” put in your “backpack” for this God-lab 101 that we call life. He *gives us* weakness so that we may be humble. And humility is one of the essential elements for enlarging our hearts with compassion, to enable us to use power with wisdom and love. And His grace is sufficient to eliminate, in an eternal scheme, any adverse effects of anyone’s weakness, including the weakness He gave you.
Well, brother, thanks for “listening” to my thoughts. 🙂 May the discouragement and embarrassment pass quickly. While the Lord has given you a pretty large thorn in your side, it is only there to balance out the enormous strengths He has given you – strength of heart, perception, love, dedication, innovation, intelligence, insight, and willingness to endure suffering for a higher cause. I love you brother.
Big hugs.
Heather (a “fellow-student” who also has big thorns.) 🙂 Ha ha , we should start a “thorn” club. 🙂