You’ll be okay, bro…. It’s partly in the genes….
Love you much…
If it makes you feel any better, we have a $15,000-$20,000 septic problem to fix that we had no signs of because our soil drains like a sieve…. Not sure if the buyer will change their mind or if we just come out with $15,000-$20,000 less to put into a home…
Oh Stephen, I agree with Heather – bipolar is in your DNA. And you have a strong brain, following patterns forged deep in your life. Above your brain, though, your soul is God. Let go of the chokehold your brain has on your life and let love flood in. Boiled down, that’s who you are. Who we all are.
Thx, Tish. Don’t think this one is bipolar, although apparently it looks like it to all y’all, and I can understand why, since my “transparent” blog isn’t really transparent because the hardest part of my life is not shared because it involves more than just me. There’s a particular circumstance in my life that is ongoing. Has been for many years, but this last year that I’ve been dealing with it, things changed dramatically, and I’ve been staring my biggest fears on the face on a pretty much daily basis instead of being able to table them and ignore them (which wasn’t healthy either). The circumstance itself lends very easily to ups and downs because I’m so focused on outcomes and am afraid of losing or not ever getting what I want most, and so I’m up and down on a regular basis with the shifts of this situation. I can’t seem to just let go of what I want most and accept that life can still be joyful without it. So I’m up and down and up and down as circumstances seem to lend hope to my deepest desires and then shatter them again. It’s this awful cycle. The only times I have peace are when I choose faith, when I’m being true to myself and what I believe and actually trust in it. But I’m a doubter. I’ve had so many experiences to confirm what I believe that it’ feels foolish to doubt, but I doubt at the drop of a hat. And then I fear. And then I crumble to pieces. I have so many things from all many angles hitting me so hard right now, and I’ve created such a mess of things that have to be done as well that are weighing on me extremely heavily, the business and legal stuff. And I’m a perfectionist and perhaps overly honest or whatever, and with everything going on with the business stuff they has to get done that just buries me, and my life’s dreams that are lost that I have to accept and move on from, and… on and on and on… And I’m not living true to what I believe because anytime it looks like I’m not gonna get what I’ve trusted in and hoped for, I fear and doubt and crumble, and that’s what’s going on. I was in bed all day yesterday because I got myself into that mode where I’m not doing what I truly believe is best. I’m running from it because I’m afraid I’m wrong, but I’m doing all that knowingly, and I feel worse and worse and worse the longer I go against my own values, until I paralyze myself. That’s what’s happening. It’s like I’m being hammered in all the hardest areas of my life all at the same time, and I’m barely hanging on at times, and this is one of those times. Anyway, I know that if I’d just be true to myself, I’d be good, but I don’t 100% trust what I believe, though I believe it enough to give my life for it, I’m just afraid I’m wrong, and that fear… it’s the biggest killer. Because if I’m wrong, I *will* lose what I want most. And so it’s this battle between fear and trust. And then with me not being true to myself, then this happens. This paralysis. Anyway, that might not make much sense. Thx, for your love and concern and thoughts. I’m trying to be true to me. I’m just failing because I’m afraid. And so I’m trying to run and hide through TV and movies, but I know too much to run and hide. I can’t escape it, but I try because it’s so hard to face for so long. But I know that my attempts to escape don’t help. They just delay. And so I feel worse and worse and worse as I know I’m just avoiding/trying to escape. I know I’m not being true to myself. But since I haven’t figured out how to truly let go or truly trust either, there’s no break from the struggle. And it’s exhausting. And maybe I’ll figure out how to be ok with losing what I want most. But I’m a fighter. I always find a way, but in this particular circumstance, I can’t fight if I’m gonna be true to myself. But not fighting feels helpless, and not fighting for what I want means I won’t get it unless I’m right, and the path that I feel like I should be in is truly right. I’m sorry, I can’t give details. It would make it easier, perhaps, to understand. Anyway, thx, Tish. It’s just so much piled on right now, and I’m not able to let go, so I’m carrying all the weight, and it’s heavier than I can bear.
Dearest Stephen, my heart aches for you. If your pain is from delaying outcomes, face what you must, endure what you must, and let it be done. Your fear doubles your suffering, as it seems you know. You are not given anything more than you can endure. You can endure this. Face forward. Move forward. With courage and love. Big hugs!
Lift the World 
You’ll be okay, bro…. It’s partly in the genes….
Love you much…
If it makes you feel any better, we have a $15,000-$20,000 septic problem to fix that we had no signs of because our soil drains like a sieve…. Not sure if the buyer will change their mind or if we just come out with $15,000-$20,000 less to put into a home…
Sending much love…
I’m sorry, Heather, that bites. 😕 Thx, for your well wishing.
Oh Stephen, I agree with Heather – bipolar is in your DNA. And you have a strong brain, following patterns forged deep in your life. Above your brain, though, your soul is God. Let go of the chokehold your brain has on your life and let love flood in. Boiled down, that’s who you are. Who we all are.
Thx, Tish. Don’t think this one is bipolar, although apparently it looks like it to all y’all, and I can understand why, since my “transparent” blog isn’t really transparent because the hardest part of my life is not shared because it involves more than just me. There’s a particular circumstance in my life that is ongoing. Has been for many years, but this last year that I’ve been dealing with it, things changed dramatically, and I’ve been staring my biggest fears on the face on a pretty much daily basis instead of being able to table them and ignore them (which wasn’t healthy either). The circumstance itself lends very easily to ups and downs because I’m so focused on outcomes and am afraid of losing or not ever getting what I want most, and so I’m up and down on a regular basis with the shifts of this situation. I can’t seem to just let go of what I want most and accept that life can still be joyful without it. So I’m up and down and up and down as circumstances seem to lend hope to my deepest desires and then shatter them again. It’s this awful cycle. The only times I have peace are when I choose faith, when I’m being true to myself and what I believe and actually trust in it. But I’m a doubter. I’ve had so many experiences to confirm what I believe that it’ feels foolish to doubt, but I doubt at the drop of a hat. And then I fear. And then I crumble to pieces. I have so many things from all many angles hitting me so hard right now, and I’ve created such a mess of things that have to be done as well that are weighing on me extremely heavily, the business and legal stuff. And I’m a perfectionist and perhaps overly honest or whatever, and with everything going on with the business stuff they has to get done that just buries me, and my life’s dreams that are lost that I have to accept and move on from, and… on and on and on… And I’m not living true to what I believe because anytime it looks like I’m not gonna get what I’ve trusted in and hoped for, I fear and doubt and crumble, and that’s what’s going on. I was in bed all day yesterday because I got myself into that mode where I’m not doing what I truly believe is best. I’m running from it because I’m afraid I’m wrong, but I’m doing all that knowingly, and I feel worse and worse and worse the longer I go against my own values, until I paralyze myself. That’s what’s happening. It’s like I’m being hammered in all the hardest areas of my life all at the same time, and I’m barely hanging on at times, and this is one of those times. Anyway, I know that if I’d just be true to myself, I’d be good, but I don’t 100% trust what I believe, though I believe it enough to give my life for it, I’m just afraid I’m wrong, and that fear… it’s the biggest killer. Because if I’m wrong, I *will* lose what I want most. And so it’s this battle between fear and trust. And then with me not being true to myself, then this happens. This paralysis. Anyway, that might not make much sense. Thx, for your love and concern and thoughts. I’m trying to be true to me. I’m just failing because I’m afraid. And so I’m trying to run and hide through TV and movies, but I know too much to run and hide. I can’t escape it, but I try because it’s so hard to face for so long. But I know that my attempts to escape don’t help. They just delay. And so I feel worse and worse and worse as I know I’m just avoiding/trying to escape. I know I’m not being true to myself. But since I haven’t figured out how to truly let go or truly trust either, there’s no break from the struggle. And it’s exhausting. And maybe I’ll figure out how to be ok with losing what I want most. But I’m a fighter. I always find a way, but in this particular circumstance, I can’t fight if I’m gonna be true to myself. But not fighting feels helpless, and not fighting for what I want means I won’t get it unless I’m right, and the path that I feel like I should be in is truly right. I’m sorry, I can’t give details. It would make it easier, perhaps, to understand. Anyway, thx, Tish. It’s just so much piled on right now, and I’m not able to let go, so I’m carrying all the weight, and it’s heavier than I can bear.
Dearest Stephen, my heart aches for you. If your pain is from delaying outcomes, face what you must, endure what you must, and let it be done. Your fear doubles your suffering, as it seems you know. You are not given anything more than you can endure. You can endure this. Face forward. Move forward. With courage and love. Big hugs!