(written on the 15th from notes)
I spent most of the morning catching up on my journal.
I haven’t been able to get myself to actually write every day on the day, but at least I haven’t been getting crazy far behind.
Seems like my big accomplishment in New Zealand will be coming home having written a journal entry everyday, which… isn’t much of an accomplishment at all, considering that’s what I expect of myself anyway. 😅
Pretty place to journal.
It’s funny, now that I don’t really feel like I have a whole lot to go explore, it seems like the perfect time to try to work on the things I need to work on internally, but now I’m leaving, and I know that being back in the States is going to be exponentially harder.
Gazillions of items on my to-do list that need to get done…
People I want to help get past the things that are burdening them…
I made my way north along the coast, and then west, pausing at a park for a little while, putting some more sealant on the repair on my roof, quite surprised to find that after all the curing, there was still a place that had bare metal. 😶
It probably wasn’t 20 minutes after I put the sealant on that it started to rain. 😅
Oh well…
I drove through Auckland just about as quickly as I could…
Stopping off to try and get gas at a Pak ‘n Save but found that they were actually out of 91.
I imagine that’s a consequence of the Iran war.
So I drove north past the city, heading out more toward the country a little bit to go to the next gas station that had cheaper gas, but that one wouldn’t accept my credit card. 😒
So I swung over to the BP that had an in-store card machine, and that worked–just a little pricier.
I realized that that gas station was just a little bit down the road from a self-contained camping spot that I’d stayed at months ago, so I swung by there, parked, and debated what to do. Do I keep going north where I want to go? Or do I hang down here to try and figure out what to do with my van?
If I’m going to try and sell my van to a dealership, then I need to get that figured out down here in Auckland ASAP because I have to be at the airport by noon or before on Monday, so it needs to happen before the weekend. 😬
Time is running out.
Do I sell it to a dealer for pittance? Do I sell it to somebody on Facebook marketplace for pittance? Do I give it away?
[sigh]
I decided to stay here for the night. If I decide to go back to Auckland tomorrow for van stuff, I’ll be right close by. If I decide to go north, I can go north.
I texted back and forth a fair bit with my brother Richard, mostly talking about my struggles.
Texted a bit with my mom, my brother Jared, my sister Heather and a bit more with Alex about his van. He’s going to have a mechanic look at it tomorrow.
With the sun going down early, I journaled a fair bit and then veged… late into the morning. 😕
The van dilemma is quite stressful right now. I knew when I bought it that I was going to take a hit on it because I was buying during the expensive season and selling during the cheap season. I also failed to do the work to turn it into a green-sticker certified van, so it’s much less desirable with the green sticker requirement going into effect in June.
But good golly… I never imagined it would be this bad. I bought it for $6,000 and figured at worst, I’d have to sell it for $3k. I’ve received absolutely zero bites at $2900. So I dropped it to $2500.
Nothing. 😶
Lately, I’ve been wondering if maybe I won’t go back to New Zealand, and if I do, living in this size van, where I can’t stand up… it’s fine for a while, but I really need more room.
I’m not 27 anymore. 😅
And all that has to happen in a short time back in Utah and Arkansas before going back to South Dakota.
I’m really stressed. 😕
I’m not ready to go home.
I’m incapable of real life right now… even in the midst of great beauty.
😞
~ stephen
Lift the World 
If it’s possible for a human to do, it’s possible for you, too.
Take the courage and joy you feel cliff jumping, and dive back into your life with the same enthusiasm.
I challenge you, when you’re on the treadmill of despair, to imagine your thoughts as the stories of fear people tell themselves that keep them from the thrill of that plunge into a river.
In your life, you are the encourager of others. You show them paths and experiences they never would have had without your guidance, your encouragement.
I challenge you to do the same for yourself.
When damaging, habitual thoughts of “I am this” or “I am that” leap up, I challenge you to reset. To leave those thoughts up on the clifftop and choose to leap, instead, into a beautiful future.
If you want to be a dad, who says there’s only one way to do that? Boys and Girls clubs need mentors for young people. Fostering is a thing. Tutor, teach. Your life, if you spend it doing something you love, will bring you into the life you want. You only have to leave the excuses behind.
Choose to at last ignore the story you tell yourself to disguise your fear. The cliff is too high. I might not land right. I’m not strong enough. Not brave enough.
Enough.
Cannon ball or pike with a double twist or straight as an arrow — just jump.
Your joy is waiting!
I’m trying 😞