2021-06-06 — This is My Perfect Moment

I tried to be prepared for today.

I think I was as prepared as I personally was able to be. And… I’m proud of myself today, if that’s not too bad to say.

That said, it’s still been one of the hardest days of my life, and that’s not hyperbole. Lots of tears. Lots of heartache. Lots of soul searching. Lots of gut-wrenching, deliberate emotional and spiritual choice making.

Hard hard.

Fortunately, I know who I am, and I know who I want to be, and so I know how I want to respond to circumstances like those of today, and I’m grateful that today I’ve made sure to respond like the man I want to be. I want to choose love and faith and hope and gratitude. I want to look forward with faith and excitement for what is to come. I want to see opportunity in everything. I want to see everything as a blessing. I want to reach out to others and focus on lifting others when I’m hurting.

So that’s what I’m choosing. I don’t have all of those things above down, but I feel really grateful to have been solid today in choosing the responses I want to see from myself.

That means… everything to me right now.

Not too long ago, I’d be angry. Angry at God, resentful, etc.

I’m also well over the edge, so that doesn’t help today. 🙃 I’m pre migraining right now. Head hurts. Harder to think. A tad nauseous here and there from the mig-ache.

#1. I’m grateful to have been happy and positive this morning.

#2. I’m grateful to have all of you to support me. Support texts and a call and whatnot. As I mentioned to one of you, there’s nothing you can do to lighten the burden right now, but I’m grateful for all who are walking beside me to be with me while I carry it.

#3. I’m grateful for the woods and the trails, to be able to walk through them on a tough day like today.

#4. I’m grateful for my little miracle Civic that just keeps going. It’s one of my ugliest, most beat up cars, but it’s one of my most reliable. And it has AC, too. Very cold AC. 😊

#5. I’m grateful for the beautiful rain today.

#6. I’m grateful for little Mindy, who’s normally so wary of everything, but she came over to give me attention, at least that’s what it seemed like, when I was crying. She seemed to know something was wrong, and she was a little distressed about it.

Daily Accountability:

The Positive

1. 13 days and counting. Porn free, thanks, to the Big Guy, all of you, and just chugging along doing the best I can.
2. I’ve already said it, but I’m grateful to see myself choose what I want to choose in situations like this one today. These opportunities don’t come along frequently (gratefully), so I want to make sure I make the most of them.

The Needs Improvement

1. Bed time, the perpetual-needs-improvement list occupier.

I’m really tired, about to crash for the night. Glory to God. Bring it on. Come what may, and love it. This is my perfect moment.

I love you all.

Lift the World.

~ stephen