Okay, you can do this Stephen. 😅
I guess I had no idea how much was taken out of me physically with the hard push Saturday and yesterday, working out in the heat, the exhaustion, the dehydration, the lack of sleep.
I had grand plans for today, but I just… couldn’t.
I was going to get all the parts and everything that I took off yesterday cleaned up and organized. I was going to list the parts for sale that I’m not taking with me to Arkansas. I was going to get the trench finished, and then I was going to drive to Arkansas.
But I was just… hammered.
I’m still absolutely wiped out.
My exhaustion might have played a role in my emotional state as well. I think I’ve mentioned over the last couple of posts having been hit pretty hard by something I read, and this morning was the hardest.
Nothing new, it just hit harder this morning than it has even the last few days.
I actually woke up feeling pretty good emotionally, and I started consuming light, and that was good. But then, and I don’t remember exactly how I arrived there. I think I just began pondering, wondering about my choices over the last several years?
I was ok at that point, just… pondering, I think. Wanting to chat a bit about it with either my friend Cory or my mom, so I called, but he wasn’t able to talk right then.
So I journaled and answered a couple of questions online and journaled some more, and I think it was the journaling that brought the feelings back, fresh and strong.
Gratefully, Cory called me back just after noon, and we chatted for nearly an hour.
Lots of tears on my end.
Lots of pain.
I’m in perhaps the most crucial part of the cycle that I roll through over and over again. I have my spiritual reawakening after a long darkness. I feel the brightness of the light. I’m granted deep peace and joy and vistas of what can be, even a temporary change of heart to experience what can be.
But eventually, the honeymoon gives way to the reality that the hardest experience of my life, one that has continued for nearly two decades running, is still there, and hasn’t gotten any easier. In fact, it grows more and more challenging by the day; and periodically, events or experiences or recollections or whatever hit in a way that hurts, like bumping an injury that hasn’t healed but wasn’t hurting. Then just a slight bump can hurt–a lot.
Granted, this isn’t a slight bump. This is a heavy blow, but I think maybe the principle is still the same.
So what’s the choice I face at this point of the cycle?
It’s this: Am I going to give in to fear, because I struggle to make sense of what life looks like compared to the promises God gave me? Am I going to doubt again? Am I going to question God and His existence again?
Or am I going to lay everything on the altar, including myself, my hopes and dreams, do the best I can, trust in the nature and character of God as a God of perfect love, and live in love and gratitude whatever might be on my road of life?
It’s really hard to put everything on the altar.
But that’s what my heart longs for.
After talking with Corey, I think I journaled a little bit more, mucked and dragged, ate some ice cream, and piddled around trying to get something done.
But I was so tired I just… couldn’t muster much of anything productive today. So much to do, and I just… didn’t have it today.
I did manage to get parts somewhat organized, though they’re still strewn about. Ate a bunch of cheese burritos. I listened to a long talk by Elder Corbridge with Heather after she got home.
I wandered around the Northwest corner of the property with Heather planting blue flags at plants that need to come out (yucca plants and prickly pear cacti).
Ate some ice cream. 🙃
I got all the screws out of the wood that was in the parts van, so now no one will get stabbed by screws accidentally. I organized my parts a little bit more, getting the electronics inside Rover (good chance it’s going to rain overnight tonight, rain we badly need).
With the sun going down, I went back around the section of the yard where I had planted maybe 18 flags for plants to remove, a little trash can and the mattock in tow, and I dug up all the plants that we’d marked tonight. (We had run out of removal marking flags, so I figured I had better make some more available. 🙃 I bought a three-color pack, 20 blue flags, 20 green flags, and 60 orange flags. The blue flags are placed next to plants that need to come out. The green flags are placed near plants that are to be kept, and orange flags are placed where cactus plants have already been dug up, but where we’re watching to see if more come back).
Anyway, I got all those plants dug up and put in the trash bin went inside to fill up my water for the night, as having Gatorade was significantly less effective for me last night. I only had Gatorade and no water, because I’d used it all trying to wash the trailer, and not having any water was no bueno.
Anyway, I’m pretty tired right now. It’s not even a quarter after 10:15, and I’m going to crash for the night. That’s probably a good thing, as I’m just wiped.
I’m grateful I was able to get at least something productive done today.
G’night, all you wonderful people you.
🩵
Lift the world.
Bring it on.
~ stephen
Lift the World 