(written on the 21st from nodes taken previously)
😕
I’m a bit disappointed. No, I don’t feel like my talk went well. I was just too tired. I rambled and couldn’t pull my thoughts together or make meaningful connections, and I couldn’t remember basic things I normally remember. 😞
I was in a foggy Haze. Yes, I felt the spirit at times, but then there were times where I felt like it was just… gone, and I rambled incoherently, I think.
😞
I just… didn’t have enough sleep. And I didn’t prioritize preparation through the week like I could have.
At least I now know that we’re right to ever be in this situation again, I would choose sleep over preparation. I spend so much of my time consuming light, that if I were called to just speak on the spot, if my brain is working, I’m likely going to be able to share something in the Spirit and meaningful.
But exhausted like that? Nope.
Perhaps I’m being too harsh on myself for how it went. I don’t know. I just know I didn’t feel… like it went well. 😞
It certainly wasn’t what I am capable of.
Last night, I made the choice to stay up and try and prepare, and then I just couldn’t fall asleep. I would lie there, wide awake, and then another idea for the talk would come in, and I’d make a note of it.
I just… wasn’t falling asleep. I probably finally fell asleep somewhere around 3:00 or 4:00 in the morning.
When I finally woke up, early, my brain was swimming around in thick fog, and I just couldn’t think.
I headed over to JH Keith Park and took a bath. Then I drove over to the church and tried to prepare.
Saw this guy just chilling there next to the church:
But I couldn’t get anything. I had no idea what the Lord wanted me to share. And I wasn’t in a physical space to be able to receive the Spirit like I wanted to.
Interestingly, I wasn’t nervous at all. I was staring notes on my note-taking app just sort of calm, and at peace, wondering what on earth was going to happen, and feeling like it was probably going to be a mess, but being totally calm about it.
The nerves didn’t start coming in until just before I started to share the message, and then, though I felt the spirit probably a couple times during the talk, I just felt… foolish?
Rough. 😕
It was hard for me to focus in Sunday school. I wasn’t prepared for the topic, having read none of the chapters in Judges. 😕
And the discussion wasn’t lively at all. It sort of just dragged on.
After church, I ate lunch and then tried to take a nap, but it was something like 102° outside, surely even hotter in my van, and I was trying to sleep inside my van. 😅
I did okay while I was wearing my clothes that were still damp from my bath this morning, but once they dried out, I was roasting.d okay while I was wearing my clothes that were still damp from my bath this morning, but once they dried out, I was roasting.
🥵
I ended up heading over to JH Keith Park and hanging out in my little soaking pool, exhausted, but not resting. Instead, I spent my time cleaning most of the rocks off the bottom. 🙃
Here’s the before picture:
I prayed a bit.
I’m still feeling a bit heavy as I look at my life and the decisions that I’ve made and the direction that those decisions have taken me.
I’m still following the path that I felt God led me down, and I’m doing so as best as I am capable of doing it. But I’m watching the promises that God gave me seemingly float away like smoke on the wind, further away every day.
The sense of loss is… painful.
The path I’d understood seems pretty much to be all but dead now, at least in all outward appearances. What I thought was going to be my life came to pass, just… not with me a part of it, and now the promises that I wanted most, it appears the door has closed for those.
But God said, “Trust the promises. Whatever appears to be the situation on the outside, trust the promises.”
Ok, Lord. I’m trying. 🤍
[sigh]
While I was down in the creek, I was… discovered. 😅 A man and his… girlfriend? Came down, just wandering the creek.
He asked what I was doing, and instead of replying something true but lacking details (e.g. enjoying the springs and playing around), of course I told him exactly what I was doing and why–soaking pool, seclusion, etc.
Yeah, I’m a genius.
That same couple also saw me leave my secret way. 😶
Oh well. It is what it is.
As I was getting ready to leave, one of the ladies who frequents the Springs whom I met multiple times last year came back to her car, and we chatted a little bit for the first time since last year.
She’s such a great lady. 🤍
Back at the ranch, I ate some ice cream, veged out for a bit, and called it a night. Going to be an early a long morning and a busy day disassembling the van tomorrow.
🤞
Lift the world.
Bring it on.
~ stephen
Lift the World 