(written on the 24th)
It’s been a challenging day.
Slept in again, and I was grateful that we both got rain, and that at the same time, it didn’t appear to have destroyed all my hard work on the trench. 🙏
The fact that I left the concrete cylinder in the trench blocking the path of the water (unintentionally) might have helped reduce the erosion, as the water lost all of its momentum and had to start again for the last perhaps third of its journey to the dry well.
Yay, for seeming lucky breaks. 🙏
Wished a relative of mine a happy birthday. 🩵🥳🩵
I was really tired again today, body just worn out. I wasn’t as tired as I was a couple of days ago, but I was still pretty exhausted.
I didn’t realize how much what I thought was only a little bit of work on the trench yesterday had taken out of me. I didn’t feel like I had worked all that hard, but I guess I had? 🤷
I also don’t think I’ve been eating as much lately, so that probably increases the speed at which my body wears out for a day (or multiple days in a row 😅). I think my appetite gets depressed when it’s really hot, and then when I add in working hard physically (which naturally suppresses my desire to eat) and then not wanting to stop working to eat, because eating is a nuisance to me when I’m in the middle of something I’m trying to accomplish… I guess with all of those combined, I shouldn’t be surprised that I’m exhausted when I otherwise might not be were I getting the proper nutrition?
Anyway, I worked a little… a very little, and I veged a lot. 😕 I think I answered maybe three questions throughout the day (to be fair, there were only a very few that were even answerable for me, so… I answered the ones that I was qualified to answer).
I think I added a grand total of maybe one or two bullet points to my new book ideas/outline doc.
Like clockwork, every time I come up with on my own or am inspired with an idea to help me take a step forward (spiritually), I end up regressing.
I bought that paperback copy of The Book of Mormon weeks ago now, I think, to start studying in depth with a single focus–looking to better understand God.
I haven’t done it a single time, and my gospel study has even regressed.
And just recently, I had thought about taking note, sort of keeping a tally of every time each day I consciously recognize the opportunity to choose faith and light over fear or pride, etc… to choose thoughts and actions that would lead me along the road of becoming a being of perfect faith and perfect love versus turning tail and running headlong into one escape or another, because I don’t have the faith or courage to face the challenge right now.
But instead of starting a tally to help give myself perspective and motivation, I’ve pretty much chosen to run away, today at least, at nearly every conscious opportunity to choose the harder best.
Clearly, I haven’t been doing so well lately, and I really need to pull out of it, or I’m gonna spiral.
Speaking of which, with all my avoiding today, all the veging, I got triggered, and I wanted to use.
I didn’t use… but I still want to.
I kind of just want to give up, disappear, live my life alone, away from any pressure, because… I’ve lost confidence in myself, and I’m afraid I’m going to fail at pretty much everything I do from here on out.
I think I’m going to fail at this book. I don’t think I’m going to have the courage and strength to even write it, let alone write it well (even with God telling me that it’s going to be perfect in His sight, I just… don’t have any confidence in myself anymore, and my faith is weak).
And though when I have light, I’m a lot better, good even, when I slip a bit, when I’m outside the light, I don’t have much of any natural, internal resilience or motivation left.
I see pain and struggle and suffering in every direction, and I see all my stupid superficial issues, so many character flaws to overcome… that it’s exhausting just to think about trying to live life, let alone hope to overcome and be the man I want to be. Be love.
I’m very weak on my own.
Not that I want to be without the light, but it takes a constant stream, and I’m at the point where I know that the next steps I need to take to maintain and increase the light… those next steps are hard. I don’t want to do them. I’m afraid I’m just going to fail anyway, that I won’t change.
😞
I texted with a friend, expressing some feelings that might have been hard to read, but that I felt like ought to be shared for our friendship to be as strong as it could be. Gratefully, they were received really well.
I really hope they don’t bring lasting pain.
That would certainly be a theme of the day today. 😞
I chatted with my mom for a bit this afternoon. I don’t even really remember what we talked about, except I think maybe we talked a bit about switching to Verizon and what not. I don’t really remember much else.
I worked. I veged. I mucked and dragged. I chatted a bit with Heather and Hans when they got home.
Then I found out that someone I care quite a bit about, for many years now, has been devastated by something I said. I remember being concerned about sharing what I did at the time, but I shared it, because we were both trying to build a relationship of perfect openness, honesty, and oneness (something I’ve always wanted).
But it’s been… so destructive and has caused a level of pain that I can only imagine. 😞
I wish I were a better person, so I didn’t cause others pain.
Perhaps, ironically, it was maybe only 30 minutes later that I got a message from somebody else whom I’d recently tried to lift who had felt quite lifted by what I’d shared. That was nice.
One lifted during a challenging time, another… devastated for years.
I listened to a talk from I don’t even remember who, and once the sun was down, I spent a good little while digging out over 100 mullein plants. A good dent, but there are probably several hundred still to go. 😅 (And the neighbor’s property is chock full of them, so it’s perhaps a little like trying to hold back the tide).
Oh well, you do what you can within reason, right?
[sigh]
Been thinking a lot tonight.
Spent a good long time talking to the Big Guy (or perhaps more accurately, just sharing my thoughts and feelings with Him. I haven’t really felt deserving of any answers back from him, because I’ve been running away from the hard things the last several days, so I might be cutting myself off from even being open to comfort and direction that’s available because of my self judgment).
So many thoughts… so many feelings… so many questions…
Ended up talking to my mom until late (thx, Mom 🤍) about everything that I’m trying to figure out.
Contemplating a message to that friend whom I’ve hurt so deeply, …so much to say…
Contemplating shutting down my blog, wondering if maybe it’s doing more harm than good.
Wondering about promises from God and agency and how all that works and what decisions I should be making and why.
So many thoughts. So many feelings. So many questions.
Lift the world.
Bring it on.
~ stephen
Lift the World 